Currently Listening Poetry & Aeroplanes By Teitur Rough Around the Edges. see related

Am Musings [uncensored]

I. Am. Nothing. Without. Music.

On boys, music, my cat and St. Patty's Day.

On Love, In Sadness. Do any of you really know me? Do you know that boys are my Achilles heal? That is make me nervous as hell to tell them how I really feel because I am afraid of being rejected? Do you know that falling in love would scare the shit out of me to the point that it would bring about tragedy if that love were to fade or just get lost? Do you know there are so many things  want to say that I just can't because I'm too fucking petrified to say? Did you know I can never say I have been in love? Do you know that I tend to doubt myself more than I care to admit to and more than I manage to believe in myself? Did you know my complete self confidence thing is an act? Did you know I am actually more introverted than extroverted? Did you know that I would rather be at home with a good book  and  cup of hot chocolate than out in a noisy bar hustling stupid males for drinks? Do you know that I sometimes feel very unloved? Do you know that my greatest fear is failure and feeling that my own dreams have rejected me? Do you know I'm scare of the passing of time? Do you know that I am a afraid of more things than I will ever admit to? Did you know I sometimes miss my dad so much that it makes me want to just die? Did you know I blame him for most of the things that are wrong in my life and they aren't even his fault? He's my scapegoat. Did you know I have some secrets that make me cry so I don't talk about them anymore? Do you know I am still so scared of the passage of time? Do you? Did you? did you know any of this? If you didn't then I'm doing a great job. 

All seriousness aside: stupid rant. Music.
Cd pickings:
Goldfrapp - Supernature. Just get it and you'll get it. Trust me. Listen to these tracks and you'll know "Ooh La La" and "Number 1"

Sia - Color the Small One, ok so I didn't buy this but I did steal it from leia..actually she let me borrow it. Listen to "Butterflies" and "Breathe me" and you'll get it. Oh you'll get it.

My life revolves around music, it's a same I'm musically inept. I've been leeching mp3 from this site.. it's just all out cool cause they are legal: www.alwaysontherun.net ok now go to free mp3s etc.. good stuff.

My cat is by far the strangest animal I have ever encountered I just don't understand her. plus she tried to eat the fish ...thru the tank.  I just like that smiley, frankly. Why don't fish really sleep? That fucker.

St Patty's Day. Looking forward to fun green beer and hot outfits and the company of someone other than myself and the strange thoughts in my head. I'm not Irish but I try cause that is all I can do. 

Eh. Sometimes I just have these lows that are so low I can't see. It's like 

d    r    o    w    n    i    n    g

all

day,

every

day

Teitur
Rough Around the Edges

I'm lost in my head
Been thinking all around
Gotta find the off-ramp to my heart
Stop lights in a row
When all I want is "go"
Drop into first and I'll get home

It's ok, I'm alright
I'm just a little rough around the edges of this life
Play it cook, you can always follow
Breadcrumbs in a line when you are lost

Little, little seeds
Grew into trouble trees
A sorry, sorry sight between my ears
I need to settle down
And eat my troubled fruit
The sweetness of the taste will do me good

It's ok, I'm alright
I'm just a little rough around the edges of this life
Play it cool, you can always follow
Breadcrumbs in a line when you are lost

The corners of my frown have slowly turned around,
No More upside down, no more upside down
They've slowly turned around
They've slowly, slowly turned around

It's ok, I'm alright
I'm just a little rough around the edges of this life
Play it cool, you can always follow
Breadcrumbs in a line when you are lost.

Strange thing...is I just cried all over my keyboard. I just don't feel so strong these days and I'm not sure I'm ever going to feel strong again. I just feel so meek. I just don't want to wake up and having missed my whole life. I just don't want to wake up on that day.

When does it get better? Will i be ready when it does? Why am i still living with the ghosts of my youth? 

Currently Listening Grace By Jeff Buckley last goodbye. just do this and then i'll go. see related

well, well...oh well

So I sit here after work on this early Sunday morning and I realize. I'm not a big fat loser. I'm not unhappy either..well maybe in the deep recesses of my being but not overtly like I have been in recent years. I discovered my non big fat loserishness eons ago but I thought I would share.

I'm sitting here listening to my itunes playlist aptly titled "The stuff dreams are made" or simply sleep as it begs to be renamed. It's an interesting blend of my favorite night time musics with repeat performances from esthero (did you think otherwise?), sade, and damien rice with sparce sprinklings of new thing that I have picked up of late like.. the perishers and teitur. Good mix if I must say. I can set it on random and not hear anything I hate. God sometimes I love music so much it hurts that I cannot make music.

My yearly retrospect:

I was financially able to allow myself mini Holidays if you will to various locations. Making me a happy happy little bug in a rug. Which is great. One of these holiday's included a great break from the rut of work, home, myspace, sleep pattern I was running for a great while and that was my trip to Santa Cruz to see the lovely Kaylastima/Kaylita-no-mas. Talk about a wonderful week and and even more wonderful and fun filled new years eve. All dressed up with everywhere to go. New friends, new interests and new ambition. Ladies and gents I have bitten into life with the fervor and I will not soon allow myself to break free until I have bitten on significantly more than I can chew. I've learned something about myself this year, that no matter how hard I try I will always be me and being me means you often have more bad days then good ones and more dark days than light ones; but you know what those happy days are the happiest I know and those light days are 1000 times brighter than the sun in any universe. I know I am itching to get out on my own and taste life for what it is but you know what I'm 22 (almost)...I have time. I mean time keeps going but I still have it. I have no kids and nothing keeping me where I am. All I need is a few hundred in my pocket for a road trip of a lifetime. 

I also discovered something this year. I am going to quit my job. It's just time to move on. I love everyone I work with and have grown to be great friends with the lot of them but alas it's time for me to pick up, pack up and ship out..and move on if you will.

I may not have a degree in anything but you know what I don't need that to be happy, I don't need that to be successful. Plus if you knew me you'd know that school is not someplace I need to be right now.

The only person that stands between me and a steady relationship is well...me and until I can get rid of whatever chip or whatever I have on my shoulder I will not be good for anyone but me. I think it may be the arrogance of someone less traveled but I am planning on changing that as much as I can within the next few years. There are a few thing that keep me grounded, and I think I am going to get rid of those for a few month this year. I need my head in the clouds.. it's good for you. It's time kids, it's time.

2 months eeep!

Who would have thought I would live to see 22? Not I.

Now for Amy's recommended music section (now you can't say no one ever exposes you to new music):
Jose Gonzales. Heartbeats
The Perishers. Sway
Stars. The Big Fight
David Gray. Slow Motion
Rachel Yamagata. Reason Why.

Oh yeah everyone jose says ..catch some light it will be alright. Atleast that is what he tells me in his songs.

Currently Listening The Best of Sade By Sade Paradise. Your mine, so fine, like paradise. see related

upon completion

I always get semi depressed when i finish a book... it's like i am closing a chapter in the lives of the characters only to be continued when the author writes another. Like i just finihed the sequel to Wicked and i am really sad. What about Liir and Candle and everyone else? ::sigh:: parting is such sweet sorrow and shit.

Am i weird? Am i the only one who feels this way?

<3,
fallon (who really shouldn't take things so seriously)

Currently Listening Honky Chateau By Elton John Rocket Man. And i think it's gonna be a long long time. see related

Maybe this is just the half life...

Well, Mike, my former theater teacher told me a few weeks ago that i should write. I should write everything i think down. He thinks it is a great idea and for once in my life i think he's right i really should write my thoughts down in some formal form albeit silly or just introspective thoughts just thoughts you know? I think i am babbling again but fuck man this is my journal i can babble as much are as less as i want to.

As i sit here and listen to my almost honest mix of songs. It's just a collection of songs that make me think, right now it's Elton John - Rocket Man, which is just a metaphor for living life in tha fast lane really. God i want to be able to write songs like this man.

Anyway on a funny higher note i purchased Mr. & Mrs. Smith and can i tell you that i love it, it makes me giggle and plus my future husband is in it, Adam Brody. "Honey you couldn't find the button if you had two hands and a map." heh. Goodtimes. Well so goes my two days off.

<3
Fallon, the rest assured.

Currently Listening Almost Honest By Josh Kelley Almost Honest. over and over again since i got home. see related

Almost honest.

For those times when you know when right is right and wrong is very wrong.

Josh Kelley
Almost Honest

So in the meantime
You'll be resting on my mind
For the last time
I will leave myself behind
In the evening
Raise a glass and tell some lies
Make a pass, impress another girl,
She was easy on the eyes

She was easy
And so was I

My reflection
In the window when I ride for Chicago
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

Well, I was almost honest
I was almost honest

Been a long time
Since I've lay with you in bed
Conversations, full of words you never said
I got your message
But I didn't hear the ringing bell
I gave into the loneliness
But I didn't give them nothing else

Which direction
Down this highway that I ride to Atlanta
She is on the other side
Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
Well, I was almost honest

Yeah

My reflection
In the window when I ride
Could not save us
But I swear to God I tried

Take a picture
Write a letter to my love

I was almost honest
But I was almost honest
Cause I was almost honest

You know when you are with someone and there is that damn elephant in the room and you just can't get rid of it? You know that unspoken thing that you both know but neither of you is ready to admit? Well yeah, it's kinda like that. I don't know every thing is kinda messed up right now and i shouldn't cry so much at night but i do. And i will stop. I'm just very unhappy right now and i'm not quite sure how to fix it. But when i fix it...wait it's just fun to see me try. I wonder what it is about me that i just don't like and why i don't care about me liek i want to.

I'm almost honest. To myself.